Author: No One
•marți, septembrie 07, 2010
It's like 11:44 and I feel I should write something. Ehh... I feel it most of the time. Why? I've got nothing to tell. Nothing valuable, nothing worthy. Just.... this need... addiction... Is it really need? Maybe it's a trick, maybe I'm just a fool seeking for attention. I wanna write, anything, everything... about me. It's all I have if you think about it. It's all I can write about. I have no stories, no adventures, no clever things to say. I'm not smart-smart, artistic smart, intelectual smart, experience wise smart. I'm just me I presume. Sounds like justification. Maybe it is. But to whom? To you? To me? Maybe this is me saying "Look! I'm here. ME.... someone in the world, no one to the same world". Maybe this thing we affectionally call internet allows me to just say/try to say something, anything. Something that maybe makes me too vulnerable to say in the real world. Better here than there, in the open field, where I have to answer to what I'm saying, where I have to justify myself, where I have to shut up if I want my own good. Funny thing this WWW, funny how the distance (in every way) opens our mouth (and maybe our heart). We're as far as possible from one another, but we as close as we'll ever be.

Why I'm writing this in english? Romanian no good to you, baby? :) (being autoironic, it has nothing to do with you). I started like this so I'll try to finish like this. Sounds better in english :P This means it sounds ugly in romanian? Is there a truth that I'm afraid to face if I spell it out in romanian? Is more... ahhh let's say... romantic, in english? Am I afraid to face myself? To face what I am, what I can do, what I can not do, what makes me... this?

I know myself, I think I do. Do I? On the border between "I know myself" and "Who am I?". Today in "I know myself"land, tomorrow in Doubtville where I see myself in black colors. I'm not a bad person, I'll never be, but sometimes I'm afraid of me, of doing something wrong, of not being able to rise from this... this thing I now call "my life". I change moods, you have to understand this. Today I'm like this, tomorrow I may have a (slightly) different mood. Yes, I tend to be sad, melancholic, sometimes I think I enjoy it, but... that's me, for now that's me. I can't be something else, I don't know how to be something else. I'm trying but it's not easy. I don't know how to make it easy, I have no special formula that will change me just like that, in no time. I just... I try to give myself time. With time maybe I'll change what needs to be changed.

Justification, justification, justification.

I'm not sad, angry. Maybe melancholic. I'm not listening to something, so you can not blame the music :) I just wanna write. Something. Anything. About me.

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